the male loneliness epidemic

Is it propaganda or nah?

Jun 08, 2025

I had to figure out from other people there’s this buzzword going around: the male loneliness epidemic. Men are mourning about it, women are cackling and acting like it doesn’t exist. So what exactly does it mean?

It’s exactly what it sounds like. Men are lonelier than ever because they don’t have close friends, are more single than ever before, and are having less sex than women.

I know if you’re a woman like me, you’re probably thinking, “Boohoo. This sounds like a self-inflicted problem.” Trust me, I used to think like this too. But the insidious truth is that there are other factors at play just beyond a simplistic argument such as, “Men can’t catch up with women’s empowerment.”

There is something deeper at work, a form of systematic oppression that women are aware of and men are hesitant to blame: the patriarchy. Here is an academic definition of the patriarchy:

Patriarchy is defined as an ideology that upholds men's systemic dominance over women, justifying male superiority and rejecting equal structures in both public and private spheres of life. It involves the belief that men should hold power in the family and society, leading to the acceptance of violence against women as a means of maintaining male control.
-Science Direct

When you first read this, it sounds like the patriarchy is really only a problem for women. However, the patriarchy also negatively affects the men who are not on top:

by mocking traditionally feminine traits or behaviors regardless of gender
by treating men who are more feminine in nature with contempt
utilizing violence and aggression to maintain power and control
making acts like emotional vulnerability or asking for help shameful and weak amongst men

While we may think only women and queer people are negatively affected by the patriarchy, it hurts men too. It’s just when this is pointed out, a lot of men are mistakenly led to believe that women are trying to enforce a matriarchy (women dominating over men) instead of feminism (gender equality).

When men are shut down because of patriarchal norms, it leads to several issues such as:

anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions that can go untreated for years or even indefinitely
substance abuse of drugs and alcohol - potentially leading to overdose
suicide
exacerbation of misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia
social isolation due to a lack of emotional vulnerability and intrapersonal skills

I want to make it very clear that solving the male loneliness epidemic is not exclusively a woman’s responsibility. We can collectively, men and women, work together to challenge the patriarchy every single day with our positive actions towards each other as well as refusing to silence victims of this oppressive system. However, just because men are lonely and sad does not mean women and other men shouldn’t hold them accountable for their potential lack of self-awareness and introspection as to why they are lonely.

Women have been doing the emotional labor for men for centuries. It may be difficult to hear, but it’s true. Only within the last century have we been able to buy property, have our own bank accounts, choose who we want to marry, vote, and many other privileges. I’ve seen with my own eyes the psychological, emotional, and physical abuse women in my own patriarchal culture endured over the past few decades, and I certainly don’t want that kind of life for myself or any other woman.

When we see a young man who exploits and abuses women and then plays victim about being lonely, we often think, “How did his mother raise him?” And while it’s true that some women perpetuate the patriarchy, it’s interesting how we never seem to hold fathers responsible for how their sons end up.

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts called Bobo’s Void recently. (I’ve been listening to this philosophical gem for the past several years and highly recommend it to anyone who is a progressive thinker!) The podcast is run by Bobo Matjilla and her long-term boyfriend Donavon. Ironically, a few weeks before the infidelity was perpetrated in my own relationship by my partner at the time, I listened to an episode called “the case for cheating back”. Donavon discussed whether or not men are unfaithful in a relationship is primarily determined by how their own fathers behaved towards their mothers. If they didn’t cheat or they hid it well enough, their sons were more likely to be upstanding men. If they cheated, their sons were more likely to replicate and model this behavior. Donavon also mentioned how being a man raised within a patriarchal setting is dealing with the constant internal struggle between succumbing to one’s animalistic “biological” nature (i.e. “All men cheat, it’s in our biology.”) and believing in human goodness and transcending above the “inner nature” that the patriarchy lies to men about.

This is not to say that all lonely men are cheaters, emotionally unavailable, or bad people. It’s just to shed light on why some men may be lonely. I’ve seen a lot of women give up on men entirely and start dating other women because they’re sick of the dating pool. We’ve also, on a grand scale, seen the initiation of the 4b movement in South Korea. More and more women are voluntarily denying men as a whole sex, relationships, and companionship. I myself have experienced periods of time when I was sick of dating men after several bad experiences and deleted my dating apps altogether.

However, I’ve come to this realization: giving up on men is letting the patriarchy win.

You heard that right. When you internalize “All men are trash”, the patriarchy laughs in your face. Having bad dating experiences with men becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you always anticipate the worst, you attract people who will cater exactly that. You will be fake shocked (and in some twisted subconscious way, relieved) when you experience your 233836th betrayal. To expect men to pursue their animalistic desires is to stop holding them accountable. It normalizes bad behavior. It becomes easier to lower your standards to the point that even basic humanity is out the door. And it pushes you further from finding a stand-up guy who is capable of mutual love and respect.

There are still good men out there. And there is definitely the capacity for human goodness. I know this because I work with patients every single day and see men of all ages that genuinely care about their wives, mothers, girlfriends, and daughters. The male loneliness epidemic, in my opinion, is men’s subconscious cry for help. If we shut them down instead of pointing them in the right direction, if we give up on them, we are sprinkling salt in our own wounds and further exacerbating the gender divide. We do not have to tolerate bad behavior, but we can work to dismantle the patriarchy and enforce accountability in our relationships.