This women mistake their frustrations with late stage capitalism for a desire to return to traditional gender roles, when in fact those roles are a product of 50's marketing and not reality. Being dependent and subjugated is the role, a trad wife pays for her lifestyle with her entire life.
And even if your partner is a perfect angel that would never abuse you or leave you with nothing, he could still die, become disabled, chronically or terminally ill. You should never be depend on anyone, no matter how good their intentions are.
You bring up a good point about how even if you have a loving spouse, reliance on them to be the breadwinner can be detrimental if they go through some unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances. It's always better to plan for those situations proactively instead of waiting for something bad to happen to get your finances sorted.
I love this piece! I totally agree, I find that women who marry for money out desperation often end up with abusive or emotionally unavailable for men. I don't think we should ever approach marriage as escapism. The highest value we can be is to honour ourselves by providing for and educating ourselves first.
I agree that marriage shouldn't be seen as escapism! I understand why some women do it - especially if they come from dysfunctional and toxic family environments.
Yes people have been romanticising this as if we haven’t been going through this exact scenario for generations. As if mothers didn’t pass down gold to their daughters as a form of financial freedom. As if women didn’t fight to get an education and respectable jobs JUST to have a way out. There’s nothing wrong with being a trad wife but making it seem like the only way of life is the problem
I couldn’t have said it better myself! We have generation of women before us who have suffered by following this traditional format because they ultimately did not have the freedoms available to us today. Why would I willingly put myself through the same cycle again?? You’re right that at least it’s a choice now that should be respected if a woman wants it. But the fact that it’s romanticized over being financially independent yourself is what drives me crazy.
Not to mention that a lot of young women are chronically online and are falling in love with aesthetics. For all we know, these trad wives that are posting their day to day could be escorts pretending to be married to create a brand of some sort. Young people are still in their naive years so they just assume what someone post is real. Nara Smith, and that Ballerina girl - we don’t know them personally and have no idea what they deal with behind the scenes. All of this sums up to capitalism at the end of the day. That’s why single people (man or woman) get attacked for not either being married or having children. It’s like “how dare you not invest into capitalism like everyone else”. People do wicked things for “security” and money.
I never thought of the escort idea - that's worth looking into! I do know this one girl who had a low paying part-time job and always wondered how she was going on vacations all year round and buying designer. She was even getting into the hottest clubs in cities like Miami, LA, etc. But now it all makes sense that she was probably "sugaring" to live an enviable lifestyle.
I do think being pressured into being married and having children is a scam for most women. We are lucky to live in a time where we can have our own bank accounts, vote, be financially independent, etc. Obviously there's a lot more to fight for, but we at least have the right to self-determination.
it’s so crazy to me how regressive anti-feminist ideas has snuck its way into the left and most progressive women online don’t even acknowledge it. “divine femininity”, “sprinkle sprinkle”, all this shit is what our mothers and grandmothers were trapped under and fought to escape.
I feel as if there’s two sides to this; yes you can be and pursue whatever you like. I truly for one don’t think other women should be shamed for being materialistic, being homemakers, etc. Feminism’s values are beyond the moulds of our own, they exist to give “choice”.
Though you’re right in the sense of when you become reliant on someone- the element of choice is removed. You have no power nor control (even if it might not be obvious) over how things run, nothing to fall back onto etc. True feminism is the consistent existence of choice imo
I agree that feminism goes beyond what we think is "right". When the patriarchy rewards certain qualities such as beauty and femininity, it's tempting to use them to our advantages.
Working a full-time job can get exhausting and to be able to make a choice to be a stay at home wife is a privilege because it typically means your spouse is making enough to keep the both of you afloat.
The danger is on the reliance on another person, as you mentioned. Even if you have a degree to fall back on, being several years or decades out of the workplace is a major strike against you. It can be difficult to lose a major source of income when you have no cushion yourself!
I loved this. Thanks for covering this topic! This can pose such a challenge for women once they become mothers- even the lingo is “trad wife” and not “trad mothers”. It’s romanticized what a rich husband can offer to a woman, but it’s not discussed what the reality looks like for a mother lacking financial self-determination (and now with dependents), what a vulnerable position that can be for a woman.
Exactly!! You put it so well that the focus is less on motherhood and more on what resources a man is able to provide. And the women who document this lifestyle online typically make money off it, so they’re being deceptive by saying it’s fully funded by their husbands.
two of my favourite south asian substackers YESSS. this topic has been floating around in my mind for ages now and i'm so glad people actually care to shed light on it... and i totally agree that it is feminist to pay your half of the bill... total financial dependence is never gonna be ideal and i think we all should've learnt that from our mothers and families a long time ago.
I overheard a woman on the train saying to her friend "being a woman is a career by itself" and I really felt it. I hate the choices we have to make - the side we have to pick. I am trying to be as fluid with "what I do" as possible, intentionally.
I have no issue with women who decide to be SAH wives or mothers. But seen too many end up in bad situations and stuck because they have no financial independence. I think in this case, women should have legal contracts and a certain amount of money deposited in her own personal bank account that the man has nothing to do with. Keep up on certificates and make sure to stay hireable. But also make sure you have a legal plan in case he splits, and make sure his life insurance is in your name.
I have a friend who required her husband deposit monet in her bank once a month that was separate from their family account, but then I have another whose POS husband won't even let her buy shoes.
You hit the nail on the head on how relying on people other than yourself is so risky! If you have some financial cushion, then by all means enjoy your life as a stay-at-home wife. But if not, it's time to reevaluate your priorities.
This women mistake their frustrations with late stage capitalism for a desire to return to traditional gender roles, when in fact those roles are a product of 50's marketing and not reality. Being dependent and subjugated is the role, a trad wife pays for her lifestyle with her entire life.
And even if your partner is a perfect angel that would never abuse you or leave you with nothing, he could still die, become disabled, chronically or terminally ill. You should never be depend on anyone, no matter how good their intentions are.
You bring up a good point about how even if you have a loving spouse, reliance on them to be the breadwinner can be detrimental if they go through some unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances. It's always better to plan for those situations proactively instead of waiting for something bad to happen to get your finances sorted.
I love this piece! I totally agree, I find that women who marry for money out desperation often end up with abusive or emotionally unavailable for men. I don't think we should ever approach marriage as escapism. The highest value we can be is to honour ourselves by providing for and educating ourselves first.
I agree that marriage shouldn't be seen as escapism! I understand why some women do it - especially if they come from dysfunctional and toxic family environments.
Yes people have been romanticising this as if we haven’t been going through this exact scenario for generations. As if mothers didn’t pass down gold to their daughters as a form of financial freedom. As if women didn’t fight to get an education and respectable jobs JUST to have a way out. There’s nothing wrong with being a trad wife but making it seem like the only way of life is the problem
I couldn’t have said it better myself! We have generation of women before us who have suffered by following this traditional format because they ultimately did not have the freedoms available to us today. Why would I willingly put myself through the same cycle again?? You’re right that at least it’s a choice now that should be respected if a woman wants it. But the fact that it’s romanticized over being financially independent yourself is what drives me crazy.
Not to mention that a lot of young women are chronically online and are falling in love with aesthetics. For all we know, these trad wives that are posting their day to day could be escorts pretending to be married to create a brand of some sort. Young people are still in their naive years so they just assume what someone post is real. Nara Smith, and that Ballerina girl - we don’t know them personally and have no idea what they deal with behind the scenes. All of this sums up to capitalism at the end of the day. That’s why single people (man or woman) get attacked for not either being married or having children. It’s like “how dare you not invest into capitalism like everyone else”. People do wicked things for “security” and money.
I never thought of the escort idea - that's worth looking into! I do know this one girl who had a low paying part-time job and always wondered how she was going on vacations all year round and buying designer. She was even getting into the hottest clubs in cities like Miami, LA, etc. But now it all makes sense that she was probably "sugaring" to live an enviable lifestyle.
I do think being pressured into being married and having children is a scam for most women. We are lucky to live in a time where we can have our own bank accounts, vote, be financially independent, etc. Obviously there's a lot more to fight for, but we at least have the right to self-determination.
Boom. Loved this. ❤️🔥
Appreciate you for reading, Toyah! 🫶🏽
it’s so crazy to me how regressive anti-feminist ideas has snuck its way into the left and most progressive women online don’t even acknowledge it. “divine femininity”, “sprinkle sprinkle”, all this shit is what our mothers and grandmothers were trapped under and fought to escape.
It's all been repackaged to look aesthetic!
absolutely
this was a pretty good read!
appreciate you for reading!! ☺️
Absolutely agree!
I feel as if there’s two sides to this; yes you can be and pursue whatever you like. I truly for one don’t think other women should be shamed for being materialistic, being homemakers, etc. Feminism’s values are beyond the moulds of our own, they exist to give “choice”.
Though you’re right in the sense of when you become reliant on someone- the element of choice is removed. You have no power nor control (even if it might not be obvious) over how things run, nothing to fall back onto etc. True feminism is the consistent existence of choice imo
I agree that feminism goes beyond what we think is "right". When the patriarchy rewards certain qualities such as beauty and femininity, it's tempting to use them to our advantages.
Working a full-time job can get exhausting and to be able to make a choice to be a stay at home wife is a privilege because it typically means your spouse is making enough to keep the both of you afloat.
The danger is on the reliance on another person, as you mentioned. Even if you have a degree to fall back on, being several years or decades out of the workplace is a major strike against you. It can be difficult to lose a major source of income when you have no cushion yourself!
I loved this. Thanks for covering this topic! This can pose such a challenge for women once they become mothers- even the lingo is “trad wife” and not “trad mothers”. It’s romanticized what a rich husband can offer to a woman, but it’s not discussed what the reality looks like for a mother lacking financial self-determination (and now with dependents), what a vulnerable position that can be for a woman.
Exactly!! You put it so well that the focus is less on motherhood and more on what resources a man is able to provide. And the women who document this lifestyle online typically make money off it, so they’re being deceptive by saying it’s fully funded by their husbands.
Absolutely LOVED this!! 🤩 You both are such amazing inspirations and I love your takes on such important topics like this 🤍🤍
love a substack friend collab 💖 hope to do one together too someday!!
Inshallah I’d loveee that 🥹🤍
thank you so much Halima!! that’s so kind, I’m so glad you enjoyed it🫶🏽
two of my favourite south asian substackers YESSS. this topic has been floating around in my mind for ages now and i'm so glad people actually care to shed light on it... and i totally agree that it is feminist to pay your half of the bill... total financial dependence is never gonna be ideal and i think we all should've learnt that from our mothers and families a long time ago.
thank you so much jani🫶🏽
this was such a well written article! you both are incredible for writing this
Thank you for reading, Sakhi! We're glad you found it relatable <3
I overheard a woman on the train saying to her friend "being a woman is a career by itself" and I really felt it. I hate the choices we have to make - the side we have to pick. I am trying to be as fluid with "what I do" as possible, intentionally.
I have no issue with women who decide to be SAH wives or mothers. But seen too many end up in bad situations and stuck because they have no financial independence. I think in this case, women should have legal contracts and a certain amount of money deposited in her own personal bank account that the man has nothing to do with. Keep up on certificates and make sure to stay hireable. But also make sure you have a legal plan in case he splits, and make sure his life insurance is in your name.
This is such good concrete advice! Honestly what you said is worthy of a part 2 on this topic 💡
I have a friend who required her husband deposit monet in her bank once a month that was separate from their family account, but then I have another whose POS husband won't even let her buy shoes.
You hit the nail on the head on how relying on people other than yourself is so risky! If you have some financial cushion, then by all means enjoy your life as a stay-at-home wife. But if not, it's time to reevaluate your priorities.